Let's Chat About Choking

12.09.2025, 15:43 allure.com

Welcome to Doing It, a column where sex educator Varuna Srinivasan explores the deep connections between sex and emotions. This month, they explore sexual choking and breath play, which is on the rise despite concerns from medical experts. Have a question or story idea for Dr. Srinivasan? Submit it here.

I’m on X, doing my nightly scroll ritual before going to bed, combing through the internet before I fall asleep when I come across a post with an illustration of…. and I can’t believe I’m writing these words…. Spongebob being choked and enjoying it. If that wasn’t enough, the tweet was captioned “Choke Me Daddy.”

Stopping dead in my scrolling tracks, I was—as the kids would say—gagged. Quite literally. Because truly, at no point has a meme had such an impact on me or led me down such a rabbit hole of intrigue.

Turns out, the Choke Me Daddy meme—which peaked in 2022—was so popular that academics from the University of Indiana combed through 300+ memes related to the hashtag #chokemedaddy to analyze their role in how young people perceive sex. I wonder if their research team is hiring…

More importantly, their research found that because much of the content normalizes choking as fun and sexy, it inherently minimizes the psychological and physical risks, of which there are many. I really don’t mean to burst anyone’s bubble here because I get it, we all want to be choked by Aubrey Plaza in the backseat of a Honda (was I speaking out loud again?)—but choking is inherently dangerous, especially if done by someone who has no idea what they’re doing.

Miss Madeline, a sex educator and dominatrix who runs workshops on how to choke a partner safely, worries that that the prevalence of choking in media—which she refers to as “an iconic kink move and one of the most commonly displayed acts to denote rough, primal or animalistic sex”—is leading to the popularization of a move that’s actually quite advanced.

“Choking is not a beginner level activity,” Madeline warns. She says that even though choking can be an entry point to BDSM for many new players, it does require training and if not done right can have severe consequences.

(One quick serious side note: What we’re talking about here—when airflow is restricted by external pressure to the neck—is actually strangulation; choking is what happens when something gets stuck in and blocks your wind pipe. This difference is particularly important in the context of speaking domestic violence cases, especially since choking is typically associated with an accidental act. Since this story is about consensual sexual activities, I’m going to stick with choking, the term that’s more commonly used when referring to acts in the bedroom, even if it's not precisely accurate.)

The type of choking performed in BDSM involves using a ligature or one’s hands to restrict your partner’s blood flow or airway. It can include partial or complete restriction, creating labored breathing and a primal response. Sexual health expert and board-certified ob-gyn, Sonia Bahlani, MD, shares that it is possible to lose consciousness from complete compression of the neck within 6-10 seconds, and that irreversible brain injury can begin within 3–5 minutes. Dr. Bahlani asks people to be cautious with their pressure, noting that even partial compression without loss of consciousness can still cause neurological harm in seconds. Researchers from Indiana University found that women who got regularly choked showed evident signs of hemispherical imbalance or chronic brain damage in their MRI scans.

The pleasure associated with choking goes beyond the physical, since a lot of people opt in for BDSM play with the goal of being dominated or controlled during sex. However, there are psychological risks to choking as well. While research on choking outside of intimate partner violence is sparse, one small study published in 2021 highlights many troubling issues when it comes to choking, including an almost universal lack of explicit verbal consent and communication around the risks. Additionally many women interviewed for that study mentioned that they had complied for fear of not seeming open-minded when their partners put their hands on their necks.

The rise in this type of breath play coincides with a growing risk that many experts and researchers are attempting to bring attention to. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), and American College of Obstetricians (ACOG) are now offering courses teaching clinicians how to identify the risks of rough sex and sexual strangulation.

Despite the risks and concern from medical experts, it’s clear the act won't be falling out of favor anytime soon. Choking is increasingly common amongst undergraduate students: A 2021 survey of nearly 5,000 students at “a large U.S. university” revealed that 58% of women, 26% of men, and 45% of trans and non-binary students report having been choked during a recent sexual act.

Any pleasure those people have gotten from the experience probably has something to do with the strong positive neurochemical kickback associated with the act. Miss Madeline explains that choking activates the sympathetic nervous system, creating a cocktail rush of adrenaline, endorphins, and dopamine. “It can feel euphoric without taking on a great deal of pain, which most people aren’t seeking, despite kink tropes and misconceptions,” she says.

Okay, I get it. We still want to be choked by Aubrey Plaza in the backseat of a Honda. Erotic choking is a legitimate kink. So let me do my job and teach you how to actually get into choking or breath play safely.

Get clear consent: As with anything related to sex, enthusiastic consent is the important first step. It's best to get this beforehand, and not in the moment when you randomly put your hands on your partner’s neck in the middle of sex. Don’t be that person, because that could only go badly. Discuss what you know about it, how you learned about it, and more importantly why you want to try it. It’s also integral to reflect on what pleasure you derive from doing it.

Choking someone is an acquired skill: Choking isn’t just holding someone’s neck during sex. It’s an art form, a skill, a real talent that toes the line between pleasure and death. Dramatic? I think not. If you do not know what you’re doing, abstain. But if you want to get into it, the easiest thing you can do is take a course. Many dominatrixes like Miss Madeline teach couples how to get into breath play. As a part of her five week couples 101 course called Bonded, which she co–leads with Mistress Seren, couples learn how to discuss boundaries, create a safeword, and practice choking outside of a scene.

Like real estate, choking is all about location, location, location: While Dr. Bahlani does not think there is a guaranteed safe way to choke someone, she encourages people to keep it brief, gentle and avoid pressure to the front or sides of the neck. Madeline emphasizes that erotic choking has nothing to do with blocking the airway and that there should actually be no pressure on the windpipe or vocal chords. There are alternate types of breath play that don’t involve strangulation, Miss Madeline explains, like “blocking the mouth and nose with a hand, body part, or foreign object.” (But, again, keep it brief.)

Know how to stop before you’ve gone too far: Knowing when to stop is key to keeping breath play as safe as possible, which is why choking should only happen in perfect conditions. “Never do it drunk or intoxicated or tired because you could miss somatic signals,” Madeline adds, while emphasizing not to push someone to their limit regardless of the setting. “If they’re panicking or gasping, stop.” Dr. Bahlani warns people to always use quick release methods and have a signal when things are going south. “Even without obvious marks on the neck, one should seek emergency care right away if they notice dizziness, voice changes, memory loss, trouble swallowing, or vision changes,” she says. “These could indicate brain injury, vascular damage, or swelling that requires urgent treatment.”

If you’ve decided to continue engaging in choking, all I ask is that you choke and be choked responsibly. And if you’re not into it, I hear there are more than 300 Choke Me Daddy memes (including the one of Spongebob) out there to derive pleasure from instead.

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