How to Stop Overthinking: 14 Expert Tips From Jemima Kirke

11.11.2025, 18:35 elle.com

Tender Tips is a new advice column by Jemima Kirke, dishing out unfiltered guidance on everything from love and sex to all the messy moments in between. This month, she’s answering reader questions about overthinking—no fluff, just real talk. Want to be included next time? Drop her a line at tendertips@elle.com and get in touch.

Be gracious and listen politely. Write down all their insights and opinions. One day you’ll show it to your biographer so they can write about how wrong your friends were.

Depends on the cause of death.

I can’t recommend it because I’ve never tried it. But if I did do it, apparently I’d recommend it passionately to everyone, everywhere, all the time.

I don’t know. I think the better question is, “How certain is too certain?” Again, I don’t know.

Best if they’re married to you.

Deep into their phones.

Guilt is a slippery slope into shame. Which is a slippery slope into self-loathing. Which is a slippery slope into self-pity. And self-pity slips right back into guilt. Maybe you and I should get together and play a game where we are both given a particular circumstance of some kind: a broken lamp, the color of your hair, a sick family member, tonight’s dinner, or the time of day. Then each of us writes down in what way we feel responsible for, guilty over, or pressured by that circumstance. Whoever is worse is the winner. This won’t help us stop feeling guilty, but at least we’ll know we tried our best to be the worst.

That depends on why you’re getting married. If it’s for legal reasons, then City Hall is all you need. If it’s a romantic extravagance, then just do the wedding and forgo the legal complications. If it’s for his money, go big and throw your dream party. If it’s forced, then just get it on paper and get it over with. That’s of course if you have a choice in the matter. If it’s because your dad can no longer look after you, then do a wedding so he can do the creepy handoff. If it’s for her dowry, then do a wedding and write beautiful vows so that her parents can believe you’re not just in for the money. If it’s so you can finally have sex, go big so that G-d can verify.

The glorification of “not giving a fuck” is a bit off-putting to me. I’ve never resonated with that interpretation of “cool.” I understand that it’s intended to be a compliment: People are usually referring to a detached and self-contained demeanor. But the aristocracy of cool people who truly don’t care about what others think, particularly about themselves, doesn’t exist. As someone who is often told, “You don’t give a fuck, I love it,” I sometimes feel a little (only a little) dehumanized as I think of the times when my codependency and my neuroses have brought me to my knees, so to speak. Then I feel a twinge of embarrassment (for both of us) because I certainly do “give a fuck.” But “cool” is really just a matter of honesty. It’s making a choice to present something about yourself that people will find unacceptable. Being “uncool” is the noticeable effort to conceal a part of yourself. And “not giving a fuck” is just the skill of concealing those efforts. Or maybe it’s the acceptance that you might not be cool at all. So, yeah. I guess I don’t give a fuck.

Keep at it.

First of all, “healthy relationship” is a super unsexy term. Maybe that accounts for his apprehension. And if you’ve decided that it’s a “very healthy” relationship, then you’re probably still in love with your last boyfriend.

Of course there are. Many. You can even make up your own. I heard a great one once when I was a teenager after I slept with a married man. It was disturbing to see what cheating looked like up close. I asked him how he feels about doing it and if his wife was aware of his philandering. He said, “I keep it a secret out of loyalty to her. I love my wife; I’ll never hurt or humiliate her. That is my loyalty, and there is a big difference between loyalty and fidelity.” It was the dullest riddle I’d ever heard. Some clever horseshit that might temporarily confuse your husband for a few seconds. It’s yours if you want it.

Ask yourself the same thing. If there is someone out there who is better than your partner in all those ways, why wouldn’t you leave them? I think you’ll find some comfort in your answer.

Have a plan B.

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