What Actually Counts As Cheating?

27.05.2025, 16:17 allure.com

Welcome to Doing It, a column where sex educator Varuna Srinivasan explores the deep connections between sex and emotions. This month, they explore what cheating means to different people and how to set boundaries in your own relationship. Have a question or story idea for Dr. Srinivasan? Submit it here.

My definition of cheating has evolved over the years.

At 10, my crush having lunch with another girl was considered peak betrayal.

At 16, I went based off what other kids in my grade told me was cheating. That mean watching porn, masturbating without the other person present, or texting literally any other member of a different sex was totally off-limits.

At 24, still influenced by heterosexual norms, I started to define cheating for myself. Kissing or sleeping with other men was a no-go, but kissing other women didn’t count as long as I did it in front of my boyfriend or told him about it later. Going to strip clubs, flirting with other people, and watching porn were now fair game.

At 27, the definition expanded to include women once I came out as bisexual and my understanding of sexuality changed.

Now, at 34, my definition of cheating is any action that breaks the mutual trust or boundaries I’ve set with my husband. This includes being emotionally, romantically, or sexually involved with someone else.

This type of shift in perspective as you get older is fairly common, something MoAndra Johnson, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, attributes to greater openness in society around nonmonogamy, sexual fluidity, and relationship diversity. “Flirting, consuming adult content, or exploring queer spaces individually doesn’t automatically signal a problem,” Johnson says. “It can actually support individual autonomy, identity, and self-expression.”

When I first started writing this story, I was attempting to answer a reader’s question: “Can cheating ever be good for a relationship?” But I got stuck trying to come to a conclusion because, as it turns out, cheating isn’t as black and white as we might think. While most people agree that, if you are in a monogamous relationship, having sex with someone who isn’t your partner is cheating, opinions vary widely on other physical and non-physical activities. Fantasizing, watching porn, going to queer parties, and having friends of the opposite sex are often classified as activities that could potentially lead to adulterous behavior, but not everyone sees them as red flags.

Oftentimes, our definitions of cheating stem from prior emotional baggage: If a former partner ended up leaving you for someone they swore was just a friend, for example, you might be more wary about a new boyfriend hanging out with other women one on one. In these cases, people might assert “boundaries” as a way to restrict their partner’s behavior.

Alexa Andre, a sex therapist, asks people to reflect on whether their definitions of cheating come from a place of prior trauma—and therefore might need to be revisited in a way that makes everyone involved feel comfortable— or if they’re drawing boundaries based on mutual trust and respect for the other person.

“There are at least two people in a relationship and everyone's needs need to be taken into account,” Andre says. “When defining what cheating means to you, center your core values with the understanding that you most likely won't have it all.” This means you might have to reexamine prior definitions of infidelity or compromise to some extent.

To explore the gray areas around what “counts,” I spoke to four people about what they consider cheating, what they don’t, and where they draw the line.

Kissing is a great example of an act that can have totally different implications from person to person. Some people see it as fairly innocent, while others believe it’s as egregious as other sexual acts. Jenna, a 34-year-old attorney from New Jersey who has been with her partner for 13 years, says kissing someone else without discussing it as a couple absolutely counts as cheating. “In monogamy, I would not be okay with a partner doing any of that with someone else without prior knowledge and approval,” she says. “This would be a betrayal of trust and deeply hurt me.”

Collin, on the other hand, says kissing is fair game for him. “For me personally, a kiss doesn’t mean cheating,” says the 27-year-old from Brooklyn “Perhaps this is also a result of being queer myself, surrounding myself with queer friends, and being in queer spaces—much different from my southern upbringing!”

What about thoughts you can’t get out of your head? Those small crushes, fantasies, and ideas? Shreya, a 33-year-old orthodontist from India, says fantasizing or having thoughts about someone else that give you butterflies definitely fall into the cheating category.

Jenna, on the other hand, talks openly with her partner about her fantasies involving others, like having threesomes with her husband and another woman. However, she prefers to keep certain fantasies to herself. “We’re working to make our relationship more secure but, for now, I talk only about threesome fantasies like MMF and FFM but none about just me and another man,” she says.

In her practice as a therapist, Johnson tries to help clients understand that having private fantasies about or attractions to people who aren’t your partner is a natural part of being human. “I often see people assume that attraction, fantasy, or sexual curiosity outside the relationship automatically equals disloyalty,” she says. “It’s what we do with those feelings—and how transparent we are with our partners—that shapes the health of the relationship.”

“Compulsory monogamy has taught us that any connection outside the relationship is dangerous, which is simply not true,” Andre says, while noting that navigating this boundary can be tricky. “We thrive on connection, and one person cannot fulfill all of your needs. Even if you’re monogamous, you need community.”

But what does community look like, and where do you draw the line?

The short answer is: It depends. It depends on whether the relationship is truly platonic with no potential to develop into emotional cheating, which for some can be more painful than physical cheating.

“For me, emotional cheating constitutes having an emotional connection with someone else apart from your spouse or partner, where you go to them to confide about anything and everything,” says Shreya.

That’s why action and intent matter. To provide more clarity, Andrew encourages people to get specific about their boundaries: “Maybe opposite-sex friendships are completely fine but exes are not. Get into the nooks and crannies so things are crystal clear.”

Watching porn itself is not an issue, but your relationship to it matters. Are you using it for sexual exploration and curiosity, or is your relationship to porn negatively impacting your day to day life? Andrew provides nuance here: “For me, watching PornHub from time to time is different from spending $1,000 a week on one OnlyFans creator that you have a huge crush on.”

Jenna doesn’t truly have an issue with her partner watching porn but admits it would be a problem “if it were interfering with our connection or intimacy, like if he’d rather watch porn than have sex with me.”

Ultimately, it's up to you and your partner(s) to define what you're both comfortable with. As Johnson says, “cheating isn’t about a specific act; it’s about violating the boundaries or agreements that two (or more) people have consciously made together.” To feel secure, both people in the relationship need to agree on a definition of cheating. On the spectrum of activities, define what is a complete deal breaker and what actions you both consider less serious. Also, understand that your definition of cheating will likely change as the relationship evolves, so be open-minded and make it an ongoing conversation. And if one partner does violate those boundaries, especially if the violation is unintentional, Johnson encourages couples to talk about it: “Hurt feelings are an invitation to deepen communication, revisit boundaries, and reaffirm relationship agreements together.”

Read more from Doing It:

What It's Like to Be in a Long-Distance Marriage

A Beginner's Guide to BDSM

How to Deal If You and Your Partner Have Mismatched Sex Drives